Behold! Results of the 2011 Elections!

“So, how was the election?”

“You mean the selection. It went as arranged, of course. What do you expect? Did you expect something different? You’re not going to get that here. We’re in charge; have always been in charge.”

“How do you mean selection? That’s demeaning, you know. Are you trying to say that the election was a farce? This is supposed to be a different Nigeria; isn’t it? This is 2011.”

“Are you referring to the rebranding fallacy or the malady of shifting blame? In rebranding, you are only colouring the old pot while the inside is still filthy; and then, we all blame the one who works hard and wins! Whichever you are interesting in, you’ll have the same result. Now, my friend let me explain a few things you don’t understand. Whether you call it election o, or selection or arrangement or whatever, we’re only interested in the end result: power, to decide where the money goes. Period.”

“You politicians are a very weird lot. That’s why many would rather call you politrickcians; and why not. It’s the tricks you’re more interesting in than the statesman you all lay claim to. Pity! Then the next thing you’ll be giving yourselves national honours. What sort of country is this?”

“Exactly the sort of country we want it to be. People like you who sit on the fence will always die in poverty. You better sing the age-old song: if can’t beat them, join them. So, my friend, join us; join for the sake of your house rent, for the sake of your children’s fees; even for the sake of your in-laws, who will soon come visiting. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! And, I know what happens each time they come here and you can’t prepare a decent meal for them. Not your wife’s fault, you know.”

“You’re dodging the issue. We’re discussing a very important national issue. I ask you again: how was the election? Now, don’t give me that crap about selection, because I went out to vote. I voted, my friend, do you hear me? I voted, look at my thumb.”

“Heh! Calm down, man, calm down. What’s your problem? Are we fighting? We are still friends, remember?”

“That’s not the point. The point is that as someone who went out to vote, I want to know from you, a party man, a politician, how you see the election.”

“Well, since you are so naive and dumb that you’ve still not got the result, I will help you. Come, have this bottle of beer on me; it will do you good. By the way, we won of course; since that’s what you want to hear – or haven’t heard or known yet.”

“Damn it! Who told you that’s what I want to hear? Who told you so? How can you people win again? How? You people have rigged again. That’s how you could claim to have won. We will not accept this nonsense this time around. You can’t tarnish the image of this INEC chairman like you did the one before him. You can’t make nonsense of our collective efforts. You...”

“There you go again. What has Jega got to do with the election? We decided the election even before the voter registration was concluded. Did you not know that?”

“But how could you have done that? Are you magicians?”

“We are skilful politicians. Did you not know that when we were opposing electronic voting we had our game plan? Maurice Iwu thought he could have his way; he wanted e-voting. Let him come and implement it.”

“But we are in the knowledge age; we ought to embrace electronic voting.”

“No, we can’t. It’s too difficult to manipulate, unless we carry away the entire computers, and that is not going to be possible. Ballot boxes, yes we can swap them with the ones we have already cast votes days before the election. Even where that does not work, we can hijack and snatch the ones on ground and cause commotion, beat up the electoral officers, chase them away, shoot our guns and in that confusion, anything can happen. All this is part of the electioneering process. But you know that; don’t you?”

“You fool. Why are you and your cohorts only interested in making things more difficult for this country and this generation? Why? Oh! So, because Jega did not have time to talk about electronic voting, you were all happy when he went straight into the process?”

“Of course, why not? The moment he told the world he was going to register 70 million voters, we set to work. Out of the 70 million, we decided we must get our own ballot papers, ballot boxes, exact replicas of what they will produce; do the real voting and await the shame election that people like you went out for. That bottle of beer is almost empty; order another one.”

“Don’t forget I’m not a drunkard like you. One bottle is always what I take; you won’t remember, anyway. Now back to your treachery. How could you people have got those ballot boxes and ballot papers, exact replicas of what Jega’s INEC gave us, we the electorate, to use? How?”

“There is no how I can reveal to you our trade secret. Just be content to know that we did it. And that is why we have the result of the elections exactly the way we want it. We wrote the election results weeks before you went to vote. That’s why I told you it was selection. Why don’t you use your head for once?”

“So, what happens if the National Assembly this time decides to introduce electronic voting? Will you quit politics?”

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. My friend, you’re really deluding yourself. Who is the National Assembly? Who? Tell me; who is the National Assembly? We are the National Assembly; and every single one in the National Assembly came in through this our very scientific process, so scientific that so-called educated people like you don’t know a thing about it. So, do you expect them to vote themselves out of power? No one in power wants to be out of power; at least not willingly, and in fact, not in this country. I will tell you that for a fact. So, the National Assembly, the entire National Assembly, every single one of those we put there, wants to maintain the status quo. So, why bring in an irritant like electronic voting and take away their hard-earned positions? That will never happen. Take it or leave.”

“That means this country is finished. With people like you, who call political brigandage scientific process, who think that the right way is not right, who distort every known fact just to suit their purpose, how can Nigeria move forward? This generation is really not worth living!”

“Well, you can go and commit suicide, my friend, if you feel you are not worth living. Me o, I will go on living and enjoying the fruits of my labour. You hear me? The problem with you is that you don’t live in the present. You are expecting the ideal in the midst of hunger and poverty. Why don’t you take what you can and first eat, then you can get clear eyes and a clear head so that you can think straight? Money, you no get. Power, you no get. Position o, you no get. And you are always worrying yourself; you want to change the system. Which system? In case you’re still interested in knowing the results of our victory, we swept the polls. What do you academics call it? I think you call it landslide victory. All our victories were landside, from state assembly to national assembly; from governorship to the ultimate, the presidential election; maybe we should call them hurricanes. You’re not talking anymore; what happened? Have I offended you in any way? I think we were just having our usual banters.”

“Enough of your perfidy; enough of your highly condemnable, callous and irresponsible talk. You claim to be a father, an uncle, a husband; this and that. Is that the sort of example you’re going to show your children and other young ones? Tell me, you shameless person. It is irresponsible people like you that keep Nigeria from mounting its position as a great country; because you steal money from the treasury at will, change rules to suit you, manipulate elections and call it selection; you fools. No wonder there are always fighting and boxing bouts in our so-called National Assembly. Your day will come, soon, very soon.”

“Our day is today, my friend, grammarian. Our day has come. Like always, we have won the election, which you went to vote. After all, you voted for us – or better put, we counted your vote to our favour before you voted. That is why it did not matter which side you voted; we had since decided the result before you went there.”

“You’re an incurable thief.”

“And, you drank the beer bought by a thief! It must have been with the stolen money; not so? That makes the two of us.”